Mrs Mulligan & Alan.
The story of my cussin’ neighbour. Mrs Mulligan and Alan the knitted tortoise.
These two people (well one isn’t a person), are my next door neighbours. Mrs mulligan is a very old widow woman, (aged about 90 we think?) who has a claim to fame. She has won this years and most other years Bay Cussin’ Championship.
With 72 cuss words, without repetition, pausing or using any mix of previous wording. She holds the champions plaque, and remains unbeaten, thus far. She lives alone, with her cat “Ruprecht”, Alan the tortoise and her 24/7 care nurse. As she says herself, (in her will and testament) “It’s a mad ***ing bad *****ing ****** a ***** in **** n’ out ******sucker - sideways”. And indeed can any right thinking person argue with that?
The ballad of Alan the knitted tortoise.
Alan began his life as a real giant tortoise from exotic lands.
So tasty was alan and his tortoise friends none of them made it to England in the early Victorian days of exploration.
“They said the meat of the giant tortoise was succulent meat and the oil from their bodies as pure as butter, but best of all, the giants could hibernate in a ship’s damp for a year or more.” Wikipedia. Alan was presented to her majesty queen Victoria in 1899, however to cover up for a chief petty officers over indulgence she was actually presented with an empty shell with a woollen head and legs. With the queens eyesight so poor it escaped her critical gaze and was quickly ushered out of the back door at Buckingham palace and lived a life of retirement within Liverpool zoo. (As much as an inanimate object can live a life of retirement anyway). Alan stayed there gathering dust, for around 70 years. Until the popular children’s show “Blue Peter” wished to feature him for a programme.
The tortoise shell itself had been removed too, by a firewatcher during the blitz and made into a makeshift tin helmet, this had been replaced with a crocheted tortoise outer shell. In the enquiry that followed; the Chief Petty Officer who had eaten Alan was found to be at fault. However he’d had the audacity to have died of consumption in 1902. So the body was exhumed and forced to make a public apology via the use of a spiritualist and a ventriloquist who specialised in cadavers. He then visited the tower of London to be ritually hung, drawn and quartered for his part in humiliating the Queen; decades earlier. Two weeks later he was of course; re-buried with full military honours.
After the special was abandoned by the BBC, Alan made a brief supporting appearance at a bric-a-brac stall in Camden flea market in 1972. Mrs Mulligan was given alan as an xmas present in 1974, and he has resided with her ever since. Serving as part pin-cushion, part telephone hallway seat; to the guests of Mrs Mulligan, 47 Wellington Road, Skeptune Bay, for many many years. Ruprecht the cat is mostly indifferent to the woollen reptilian. However once a month when wandering too close, the feline gets a massive electrostatic charge; and a loud howl can be heard across the cove. Is it Alan’s ghost? Or just explainable sciencey stuff… we’ll never know? But one thing we do know, is that Mrs Mulligan still loves him.
Scary Knitting
|
Top Rated Boy Stuff.
The fleshlight is the Bestselling Male sex toy in the world. This real feel toy, has the highest quality of its kind – you can even build your own.
Who is the hottest girl ever?